It's finals week, and everything has been going fairly well. Some classes have been worse than others, and I've been really excited for the quarter to end. Tonight I am supposed to take my last final. With the exception of a few small assignments due at the end of the week, this will be the last school work I have to do for this quarter. Today has been fairly straight forward, as I'm already well prepared for this final. I woke up, took a shower, studied just a little bit, and then watched some let's plays while I ate lunch. The afternoon was mostly going to be spent waiting for my father to come pick me up and give me a ride over to the college. He took me to my last final for spring quarter as well.
Sadly, a few moments ago I received a call my from father. My uncle died this morning.
I'm actually not sure why it is I'm so upset. My father told me just last week that my uncle wasn't doing so well, and he wanted my brother and I to go see him at some point before Christmas. He isn't exactly close, but it's not like he lives out of state so going to see him wasn't some big inconvenience or anything. I agreed that I would go because I actually don't remember the last time I saw him, and I didn't really know him very well either. I didn't give it much thought though because I've been preparing for finals and they’re what I’ve been focusing on. However, one thought I did have was that seeing him would give me the opportunity to say goodbye in case something happened. I didn't feel upset about this thought, and I recall being perfectly fine after my father told me that my uncle wasn't well. After all, who was he to me? I didn't know him. In fact, all I can remember is his name, how he looked a lot like my dad, and that he had a country tone to his voice. That's the extent of my memory of him, and I know it isn't much.
For a few minutes after my father called me, I sort of just kept watching let's plays. And then after a little bit, I started crying. I really don't cry very often, even when I'm alone I can usually manage to stop myself from crying. Maybe this was the proper time to let a few tears out because after all... a family member just died. But here's the issue: I don't even remember what he was like, I'm not even sure I could honestly say that I loved him. He may be my uncle, but I didn't even really know him. So I really don't understand why I'm crying. Maybe I feel guilty because I should have known him and loved him, but I can't really change that. What I do understand is that I'm upset, and that the reason for being upset isn't going to be immediately clear for me.
I just hope I can pull myself together so I can go to my final in a few hours. A huge part of the final will involve speaking in front of the class and speaking to other students about their work. "Me" and "People" do not go well together as it is, so keeping my composure with all of these confusing feelings going on in the background will be exceptionally difficult. It's going to be about 2 hours long, and I won't forgive myself if I turn into a mess in front of an entire class.