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incondicency

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Everything posted by incondicency

  1. <sub>aaaaaa, want to join :> any extra invites...?~
  2. Oh, no, you can PM me the results. I'm not dropping out, I was just curious. Will try again if I failed (which I'm pretty sure I did ><").
  3. Would it be necessary to PM me? Not that my inbox is full or anything, I'm just pretty sure I failed, considering I haven't gotten a single one approved. Also, if I may, can I PM a mod to approve mickiloo's RP? I know I'm not an approver anymore, but it's almost completely clean and I would really like to get her RP to the other's section. Speaking of which, are normal members allowed to M mods and ask them to approve RPs?
  4. Same, moonbeam, but I didn't get any approved at all XC I actually had fun critiquing, though, which is weird. Good luck to you and all the future appliers! Also, what happened to Leaves?
  5. :melts: Okay, fine. And, err, why are the titles so small compared to the text o_O are you going to change that later? After reading it over and over again, I have spotted no spelling errors and major grammar issues. However, there is one thing, though. Remember when I told you to change first born to firstborn because it's one word? Yeah... that... confusing... platypus.. we have to change it again ._." By rule of Alaric, every ten years, the first child born of the sixth month must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. BTW, I'm not an approver in testing anymore ^^" My time is up. Do you still want me to critique?
  6. Hmmm. I think you should title the intro and plot.
  7. Alright! This is lovely. You might want to give a sentence or two about the other clans, though, just in case.
  8. Okay, thanks ^^ two more days left... wish me luck! BTW, is it often that there's more than one approver critiquing an unapproved rp?
  9. Before I do a big critique, there are some things I'd like to address first. 1. This is mainly to be RP'd by people who have read the Warriors series, so you might want to say that at the top. 2. You might want to make a key. For example: TRANSLATION: Twolegs- humans Twolegsplace- human civilization And etc...
  10. HRRRRRNNNNNNN. HRRRRRNNNNNNN. HRRRRRRNNNNNNNN. Gah, you got me there. Put a specific time period, that your island seems to live in, in your rules and hope for the best? And also, say that the first child that is born in june is a boy in new jersey, and the sacrifice is made. However... how would Rhode Island react? In a modern world, news travels quickly. If the gods erase the memories of the people so everything is 'restored to normal,' that also means the people won't praise them more often and they won't even remember the sacrifice, so in the end, isn't the purpose defeated?
  11. Gosh, I haven't gotten anything approved yet and I've only three days left. *whistles nervously* If I don't pass the second, may I retake it eventually?
  12. Ah, okay. You should explain that more thoroughly so that others won't get too confused. But for the setting.... if it's in the twenty-first century, then how did the rest of the world react to it? Sure, perhaps the island isn't very technologically advanced, but how would you explain how New York City react to it?
  13. Yeah, I get what you mean. I'll edit this post into a proper critique once I get my homework done, so I'll be back soon, okay? But before I go, here's one thing: You said "This is where you come in," but you didn't post the plot or anything. The history, setting, char. form, etc. has all been done, but the plot hasn't. Judging from the previous posts, it's that the character has to calm the gods. However, this is only hinted at in the OP, and the readers will be left assuming what's what. You need to post a specific plot and make sure that the readers will know, because only you seem to hold that information and there's only so much that the RPers can guess at. EDIT: Okay, be prepared... my critiquing posts can get kinda lengthy. First of all, I'd like to say that you have a lovely RP and it's a great idea. In fact, from the first glance, I didn't really see any spelling errors or grammar mistakes. There are a few issues, though, so here we go. Humans of this world have lost sight of what's real, and what is fantasy. "of this world" had been done in the previous sentence. I suggest you replace it with something like "in this realm" or "of this realm". Also, for "what's real, and what is fantasy," you should either change the 'what is' to 'what's' or you should change 'what's' to 'what is'. There's an issue with the consistency; it will flow properly and smoothly if you use the same for the two statements. Also, the comma is not necessary. Humans of this realm have lost sight of what is real and what is fantasy. Each one, represented by an animal: Replace the comma with an 'is'. You have a lot of good stuff and there's such a minimal amount of mistakes that there isn't too much for me to correct other than the tiny things. Each one is represented by an animal: He controls the rising and setting of the sun, he controls the fire of the planet, Get rid of either the comma and replace it with a semicolon. He controls the rising and setting of the sun; he controls the fire of the planet, whether it should create, or destroy. You don't need the comma there. Putting one between "create" and "or" is just chopping up your sentence, but it was flowing perfectly fine, so the comma is unnecessary. whether it should create or destroy. The Water goddess appears as a Dolphin Why is "Dolphin" capitalized? comes to us as a Stag. Why is "Stag" capitalized? the land, the crops, deciding them to be bountiful, or withered. Eh. Originally, I would have said there was nothing wrong here, but it starts getting a bit ramble-ish when you have all those commas. Instead of the comma before "the crops," you need a 'and'. You don't need the comma between "bountiful" and "or". the land and the crops, deciding them to be either bountiful or withered. When you talk about Gozz, you don't mention that she's a bird, nor do you mention if she is a specific kind. That is left to the readers to assume. Albeit being heavily implied, it isn't mentioned before and again, that's an issue with consistency. You need to tell what kind of bird she is before you talk about her feather(s). humans will not even admit to it's existence No... no. Later, you call him a "he". Therefore, "it's" should be 'he'. Also, what do you mean by admitting to the existence of the gods? Where did that come from? Earlier, you said they made up their own gods, so why would they admit to their existence in the first place? This responsibility would only ever be trusted in the hands of a dragon. Alright, you definitely said that he was a dragon... sort of. But can you make it more obvious? Sometimes, people tend to skip over that and end up messing the RP up because they weren't careful and couldn't make the correct assumptions. For example, you could say: The god of Time, however, is no common creature: he is a dragon. or The god of Time, however, is no common creature, considering that he is a great dragon. that any of these gods live, and breath the same air. You don't need the comma between "live" and "and". Also, the same air as...? I know what you're talking about, but you need to make it clearer. Ending it there just doesn't seem like a complete sentence (though I do understand that it is), so we need to fully close it. that any of these gods live and breathe the same air as they, the humans, do. These days, the gods usually stay hidden watching over the humans from a distance What do you mean, "these days"? This sentence is in present tense, but later you shift to past. Change the tense to past tense and you're good. You also need a comma after "hidden". For a period of time, the gods had stayed hidden, watching over the humans from a distance, creating balance in their lives without appreciation, without praise. Hmmm. No, this won't do. In the very start of the intro, you said that humans created fake gods, so these gods wouldn't have received praise or appreciation in the first place. You could explain more thoroughly and say that there were people who were grateful for what the gods did, but they didn't know that the gods actually existed and created their own names for them. So, Gozz could be Aria, who is still the goddess of air, and the people have built a shrine for Aria. Gozz might have overlooked the name change and accepted the shrine, but over time, the people took her power for granted and no longer visited the shrine, nor did they continue offering food as sacrifice, so she became angry. Also, this part is still present tense, so you need to change it to past tense. Eventually, the gods began becoming angry. Er... what? There's past tense and present tense all jumbled up in this sentence. "began becoming" simply doesn't work. Eventually, the gods had begun to grow angered. Pensri, however, only reveals her tail in water, in which it replaces her legs and her dorsal fin appears. You were using past tense just a moment ago, and now it's become present again. Consistency is a common issue in the unapproved RPs; just change it to past and you'll be fine. I also changed a comma to a semicolon to make it flow nicer. Pensri, however, only revealed her tail in water; there, it would replace her legs and her dorsal fin would return. Alaric also has a tail and small horns protruding from his head. Same issue. Change to the past tense form. Alaric also had a tail, as well as small horns that had protruded from his head. Although the largest thing setting him apart from humans is small wings that flatten against his back when under human clothes. Commas, vocabulary, etc. "Although" isn't the word you're looking for here, unless you want to combine the first two sentences. The word you need is 'however'. Also, it's supposed to be past tense, and you're missing a comma. Furthermore, when you say "the largest thing," you're talking about a singular object, but he has two wings. Change it. However, the largest things that set him apart from the humans were the two small wings that would flatten against his back when hidden underneath human clothes. These humans quickly shook off these stories as just. What happened here? but the rest of the gods disagreed, and decided the humans deserved punishing No comma is necessary between "disagreed" and "and". You do, however, need a 'that' before "the humans". Also, don't use "punishing," use "punishment". but the rest of the gods disagreed and decided that the humans deserved punishment. CODE]humans, that the gods deserve praise and if they did not get one soon, all their crops and houses will burn.[/code] You suddenly jumped from one idea to the next. Before "that," say "demanding" and replace "deserve" with "receive". Also, why do you refer to praise as one? That doesn't make sense. Also, you mixed present and past again. humans, demanding that the gods receive praise from them. If the gods did not get any soon, all of the humans' crops and houses would burn. This infuriated the humans, causing fear to dwell in their hearts, but the gods did receive their praise, a sacrifice every ten years. Another choppy sentence has been spotted, matey. With all those commas, you're splitting up your sentence, but it's too much. This infuriated the humans and caused fear to well in their hearts, but the gods did finally receive their praise: a sacrifice every ten years. Why did the Oracion want such a sacrifice? Why did they need it? And the humans named these five Oracion. Five what? Yes, I know what you're talking about, but you need to say it directly. Also, there should be a pair of codes around "Oracion." And the humans named these five gods the "Oracion." Sixty years from this incident, and the gods have calmed. Incomplete sentence. It has been sixty years after this incident, and fortunately, the gods have calmed. the first born child of the sixth month, every ten years must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. "first born" is one word. Also, you have some more comma problems. And what do you mean? There are plenty of children that are the firstborn in their families that share their birthdays in June. What if there are twins? What if two kids from different families have the same birthday and are both turning ten? the firstborn child of the sixth month, every ten years, must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. The humans have become accustom to this ritual, "accustom" is 'accustomed'. but it still takes its toll on the cities of Earth. What do you mean? This happens every ten years, and only for one child (presumably), so why should it disturb entire cities? Do you mean: but there are still many of humans on the Earth that oppose this. but with no one to stand with them, the ideas were lost among time, until recently. Among time? I understand what you were trying to convey, but the issue is that you used the wrong word. Also, the comma before "until" is not needed, but you could put an ellipsis there. but with no one to stand with them, the idea was lost through time... until recently. Other than those errors, your RP is pretty good. However, there is an issue with the setting, though. You told us of the past, but we have yet to hear about the present. What date is it? Is it set in a place similar to our world, or is it set in a place that's more medieval-ish? (had to use code; forums was being a butt and wouldn't use quote properly)
  14. What did you mean by reserved? As in, for a single approver to look at it? Because that explains why hardly anyone as even touched this RP. I'll look it over and offer critique if that's not the case, though.
  15. Hello-hello! I'm incondicency, but you may call me icon! I guess I'll be critiquing some of your work, but backup has done a magnificent job thus far~ First things here that I noticed: grammatical errors. Either there were too many commas or there weren't enough. A common issue in unapproved RPs are run-on sentences. Remember the stuff our English teachers would always whine about? Yup, we need to straighten that out here! ^^ This is a run-on sentence! The first part, before the first comma, is already a complete sentence. You can tell because if you split it from the rest of the sentence, it will still make sense. Also, some of your commas are misplaced. It doesn't make much sense, either~ You said that the character wakes up in a small tube. How? Tubes are generally tiny to start with, so do you mean a fairly-sized tube that presses tightly against your skin? A tube that a human-sized creature can fit in is a pretty big container, if you ask me! You wake up in a small tube. You're covered in a runny, green liquid that spreads throughout the container; it's blurring your vision. Comma splice alert! A comma splice is when you try to connect two sentences with a comma, but you don't have the vital words like 'and' or 'but.' The first comma is a comma splice, not the second. Also, another part that doesn't make sense: how do you know they are checking your DNA? Are there computer screens in the background with programs running that says in bold words, "DNA CHECKER" or something of the sort? Furthermore, what do you mean by "one or two are looking at you through laptops," because that could mean that they're watching you through a webcam, or they're scanning your body with a science-techy thing to see your DNA. We need elaboration; please explain more! Men in white coats are watching you and the other tubes, similar to yours, spread around the room. Many have clipboards and one or two are studying something that looks like you on a laptop, supposedly checking your DNA. This is fine, but where did "you were in a tube" come from? If you reread it, it still doesn't flow smoothly. Besides, we established the tubes earlier. C; Instead of using "start" twice in one sentence, why don't we switch it up a bit? Use synonyms, like "begin." What exactly is "it"? You should explain in the sentence afterwards, or at least show what it is. I'm rather confused here. Why do the scientists suddenly leave? What happened? You didn't say anything about an incident at all, other than one moment, everything was normal, and the next, everything was chaotic. The next thing you know is that your tube opens and the scientists flee as the other "humans" in the tubes seem to have figured something out; they escape as well. In cars? Now, where did that come from? It sounds pretty random to me, so you might want to elaborate. Do they have machines like transformers? That's what this made me think of Nooooo, don't say "try"! That doesn't make it sound urgent enough. For the second sentence at least, change the word "try" because you've used it already; the second sentence is another comma splice. It should be this: Use your shifting powers and animal features to the best of your abilities; you must survive. This is a big no-no in roleplaying! It's good to have mystery, but in this way, it's just unclear and thrown together. We need to rephrase it! Make it more realistic! How does no one know how you were created? Did you sign up for the military and then find yourself in the tube, waking up after the coma the scientists forced you into so they could experiment? Were you born as a test tube baby? Explain, explain~ Something acceptable-ish would be this: No one's quite sure about how you were created other than the scientists who "made" you, and it's too dangerous to try and ask them; they would imprison you again, for all you know! You did hear about them combining your DNA with an animal's and using your body for experiments. Your shifting powers are still a mystery and you can't seem to understand how you got them, but you do know the scientists have the information you need. Who is "their"? You talked about scientists, humans, and bunnies-- it could be anyone! Don't forget to restate who you're talking about. Also, how does the human world not care? I know I would care. Do you mean that they don't know? Again, "one" what? What is this "one" you speak of? /shot. I understand what you mean, but never hesitate to restate! (Heeeey, that rhymed... ) You have to try and live as an animal but also as a human. OR You must balance both your animal life and your life as a human. Gah! I'm done! Once you edit/correct, I'll be back *cackles* Good luck!
  16. WOW. I'm a purebred, two-headed dragon. How fitting. Draggy named Incondicency~ Then I checked "incondite" out of curiosity and out came another two-headed dragon And here I am, a moonstone named Michelle, which is my name IRL, haha. Lemon, here: dragcave.net/view/n/yournamegoeshere
  17. no win for me. congrats to those who did get the prize(s), though, you lucky butts!
  18. RARITY! Apparently, to my friends, I am just like her. But I'm a very bi-polar woodland creature IRL, so whenever I take quizzes, I get answers ranging from pinkie pie to fluttershy... o_O
  19. Request to you Species : hmmmm.... Dragon~ Type : SD >3< Gender : Female! Other : Can it be a female swallowtail dragon playing with its tails?
  20. shoujo manga... this one has amazing art. and, it's not like those other shoujo mangas with mary sues and gary stus and garfljjigagarfl. actually, you might as well as read everything by sakisaka io. she is an amazing artist and her works are very detailed, and her characters are beautiful, but also contain their own personal flaws. her current ongoing work: ao haru ride her finished series: strobe edge (I think blue was really good, too.) Koukou debut was amazing, you just have to settle into the art style. FOR SHOUNEN: Beelzebub, Deadman Wonderland-- this one is NOT for the weak stomach and this one is dark and scary but heartfelt and touching and beautiful and very very sad, and Fairy Tail
  21. it's not an anime, but ao haru ride and strobe edge are great.. for those of you guys who like shoujo, koukou debut is good too >< I loooooooooove Fairy Tail and Beelzebub.
  22. Hnn... I twisted my knee so badly during sledding I had to have a brace for eight months?