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> Spirit Animal, Need A LOT of new chars.! Please!
akiraa
Posted: Apr 5 2012, 08:50 PM
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♪Waking up is knowing who you really are♪
**********

Group: Members
Posts: 2,218
Member No.: 58,661
Joined: 11-April 10



A high school girl was running to school. She was going to be late! She had slept in and needed to get to school in a hurry. Only problem was... the girl stopped and looked around. She was lost. She was in what looked like a somewhat large park or forest clearing. She looked around to see a lot of teens and children, but there was something strange about the group; they were all Native American.

The teens and kids were looking at her vehemently. One of the older teens stepped forward. He looked around 18. He turned and seemed to tell the rest of the kids something in what she assumed to be their native language. He then turned to the girl and said, in perfect English, "Welcome, potential Sister. We are from a tribe called 'The Pohakanten Tribe' or 'The Shaman Tribe.' Very few outsiders actually know that we exist. Each of us are descendants of the shamans, and have the powers of them flowing strong through us. It flows stronger than even our ancestors' powers. You have the same power flowing through you, but the question is, are you truly one of us? Will your spirit animal come forth and accept you? For you see, each of us are close to our Spirit Animal, and have powers related to them, as well as the regular ones. The regular ones are ones we all have. They include dream walking; telekinesis; teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if you're accepted, you'll live as well; and summoning of either your family, those in your clan, or even your spirit animal, as well as some other powers. Your clan is based off which spirit animal you are. I am from the Bear clan." The boy turned and lifted his hair, showing a black tattoo of a bear.

He then turned back around and said, "Everyone you see here has been accepted by their spirit animal. The reason they look at you with such disdain, is because you have not been proven yet to be chosen. Making it here truly is one thing, but being chosen by your animal is another. If you are not accepted, which some aren't, you will pose a threat to us." The girl nodded, quite scared and confused. The boy then smiled a little and said, "Well, you'll understand more, later. For now, let's see if you're accepted." The boy turned around then said something to the rest of the kids, in what the girl still presumed was their native language. The kids then nodded and all stepped back, to reveal a beautiful crystal clear pond. The boy turned back to the girl and said, "Step up to the pond and look into it." After that he said nothing else, which the girl found rather abrupt and odd.

The girl simply nodded and stepped forward, then looked into the pond. At first all she saw was her reflection in it, then suddenly it shifted. A large head of a wolf appeared in it. The girl would have stumbled back, but her body would not move. The wolf seemed to smile then said, "You have been accepted, young one. You are now a part of the tribe. You shall have a new name here, your true name. Daa'wa Pia'isa, Fang of Wolf(1). You shall also reside in the Wolf clan." The wolf then seemed to disappear, and the girl stumbled back and fell. The boy came over and helped her up with a smile, and said, in what she could tell was still their native language, only she could understand it now, "Welcome officially sister."


PLOT:
You are a middle-high schooler among the ages of 14-18. You are walking to or from school alone (yes you HAVE to be walking AND completely alone) when you suddenly find yourself in an odd clearing in what you later find out is a hidden forest in a slightly different realm, one, though, that is very, very close to the realm we live in now and you can easily move between the two. Here you find a large group of kids from the ages of toddlers to 18 playing. They are all Native American, but one thing you notice is that they actually have some rather 'exotic' hair colors, rather than just dark colors. Some are blond, some are red headed, and some even have purple hair, which you assume is from dyeing it. You also notice that they are all staring at you, only with disdain. One of them steps forward, a boy at the age of 18, and tells you about the tribe and why you are here. He also reveals he is from the bear clan. You get led to a pond, where you either get accepted by your spirit animal(2) Or nothing happens.

If you are accepted you are welcomed as either a brother or sister, gain your new/true name, understand and speak the Pohakanten language, and are led to the tribe. The tribe is a rather odd mix of ancient and modern lifestyle. You are taken and get a tattoo on the back of your neck that signifies what clan you're in, which depends on your spirit animal. You are then led to the section of the tribe that your clan resides in. The whole tribe looks like a regular town, but is divided into separate individual clans which all cohabit together peacefully. You then learn of your powers; everybody shares certain powers such as Dream walking; visions; Telekinesis(3); Teleportation between the two realms(4); the ability to summon either their spirit animal for help, those in their clan for help, their familiar, or, if their family gets accepted also(5) they can summon them for help no matter what Clan; have minimal healing abilities; as well as the ability to gain a familiar, an animal that bonds with them to help them and that they can understand as well as the familiar listens to you indefinably, that is related or not prey with your spirit animal.(6) Familiars are stronger and faster than their normal counterparts. They also can grow larger or smaller at will, but this tires them out. You also have a power that can some how relate to your spirit animal(7), as well as you can be over shadowed by them to gain power or speed, or something useful from them, but can over exhaust you body. You also notice that while you're here, after you are accepted, that you look Native American, other than your hair and eyes.

You also find out though, that this place is not exactly safe and secluded. Sometimes humans that have no Shaman blood might somehow wander in, and threaten the environment; some of those that were rejected by their spirit animals may come for revenge; there are still predators that come forth to attack; and there are also more mythical animals/creatures that attack. You have to not only protect the tribe, but keep up with school work in the main realm, adapt to life in the tribe, and learn to use your powers.

Spirit animals and their shaman are bonded if they're accepted. The spirit animal can talk and give advice to their shaman, over shadow them if they need to to help them, be summoned by them to help them, and all they want in return is for their Shaman to help the others in the tribe, and help protect the balance of nature in the forest, and maybe get a few offerings every now and again. If a potential shaman does not show the ability to do these things, or they feel can not survive in the tribe, then they do not accept them. When over shadowed the shaman has an aura around them that is a dark color and in the shape of their animal. When over shadowed the shaman gets increased strength, to the point of the strength of their spirit animal; increased speed, to the point of the max speed of their spirit animal; increased senses, again to the point of their spirit animal. This can tire out the shaman though, from over exhausting their bodies. It is not recommended for a shaman to be over shadowed for more than a few minutes.

If you are NOT accepted by your spirit animal, you are then sent back to where you came from. The thing is though, now you know that their are powers flowing through you. You still have the potential to have some of the powers. Maybe you still have strong telekinesis, or maybe Dream Walking, or maybe a minor of both. You could have visions still, you may even form a weaker, but still there, bond with an animal. Of course unless you only have one, then your powers are weaker than if you were accepted. And all non-accepted can have at most two powers.

If you were not accepted, you might wish to return for some reason, maybe make a group of others who weren't accepted. Maybe you wish to return for revenge, because they didn't accept you. They sent you away with malice, never wanting you to return. Or maybe you want to return to prove to the tribe that you ARE still acceptable. That you deserve to be there. That it was a mistake. Maybe you decide to start you OWN tribe, even though doing so would be a major risk. Between just the normal wild animals there would be trouble, but with mythical ones as well, it would be a hard existence.

Plot Summary: You need to adapt to life in the tribe, while combining your life in the real world with life in the tribe, fending off mythical creatures, humans, jealous rejected shamans, and regular animals. With the occasional 'big' menace that needs to be hunted down to help protect the forest and tribe from harm.

OR, if you were rejected, you want to either destroy/harm the tribe in revenge, find a way to prove yourself to it to join it yourself although you were rejected, or maybe you want to start you own tribe of rejects/humans, though it would be difficult. Or maybe you want to make your OWN tribe with a group of rejects and maybe normal humans to war against the The Pohakanten Tribe as revenge as well.


SETTING:
The main world is in a modern American city.

The tribe is located in another, but very close, realm to ours in a large forest. The tribe has a mix of modern and ancient things. They have electricity, and can even use and connect to the internet in the main realm. They have TV and cable that also connect, but they hardly use it. Oddly enough though they DON'T have many modern weapons. You might find a few swords if you look in the right places, but you certainly will not find a gun, and you cannot bring one back with you from the main world. Most weapons are bow and arrows, spears, and knives. They also usually wear modern clothes, but some decide to wear more native clothes. Also in this realm are a mixture of many different animals we know of in the real world. There are even some odd areas in the forest that are different climates. So you could, necessarily, find a lion in the right places. But there is also a large assortment of what we would thing of mythical or fantasy creatures there. Things such as dragons, to chimeras. And anything else you can think of. There aren't any cars; people use horses to get around.

Current Arc:
Chimera Hunting
A pack of Chimera's are on the loose and killing hunters.
Currently: Chimera pack sighted half a kilometer from the tribe, Elders approved attacking and has sent everyone to fight.
Hunting Party: Akira, Vincent, Jade, Ren, Finn, Alexis, Anita, Allen, and a few random NPC's

RULES:
1. No godmodding
2. No powerplaying
3. Please do not get on me if I messed something up on anything to do with Native Americans.
4. No Mary Sues or Gary Stus.
5. Please keep this PG13. Romance and violence are allowed, but do not go into 'juicy' details or gory details.
6. Put Shoshone in others section if you read the rules.
7. If you want your character to be accepted by their spirit animal, you MUST use a spirit animal quiz, any of them, to determine their spirit animal, and put a link to what you got in your app under Spirit Animal.
8. If your character is accepted by their spirit animal, then you MUST have their 'true' name. It must be first put in Shoshone (Use this site and dumb it down like I did if you must. Per say if you want fang in it, then you will have to use tooth) and then in English. It also MUST contain something to do with your spirit animal. You do not necessarily have to put your spirit animal in it, such as I did, but do not have your spirit animal be a spider per say and have tail in your name.
9. No more than 3 characters are allowed.
10. If you have more than one character, just use a different quiz to find your spirit animal, you'll most likely get a different result (for example I went through three different ones and got a Wolf, Spider, and Eagle).
11. PM me apps. <= IMPORTANT!!!
12. You CAN use your powers in the Main Realm, but if you're discovered, it can be dangerous.
13. SEMI-LITERATE
14.If you are taking a break/vacation and can't get on the internet for awhile, PLEASE PM ME AND LET ME KNOW! I will move your char to a place out of the way, and freeze your app for however long you say. If you do not PM me and a week passes, your char shall be killed off and app removed. Also there is a three day grace period past your time you said you'd be gone if you do pm me, if you do not reply or contact me again, I shall kill your char off. I'm sorry but I can't have spaces for inactive RPer's.

CHARACTER SHEET:
Username:
Char. Name:
True name: (Your 'new' name while in the tribe, leave blank if you decide not to be accepted.)
Gender:
Age:(Between 14 and 18 unless you're someone's family member)
History: (May leave blank/be rp'd.)
Appearance:
Spirit Animal: (This will also be the rubric for your personality, put a link to the result of whatever quiz you took to find your spirit animal, if you decided not to have your char. be accepted then replace this with personality)
Power: (This means the power related to your animal. Please use this to find a power, than put at least one sentence explaining HOW the power relates to your animal. Also, please no double listings of powers. As in do not use a power someone else has. If you chose not to be accepted, and wish to have some powers, please put them here, but they HAVE to be minor. And you can only have 2, they also must be from the generic powers, the ones all have that aren't influenced by your spirit animal)
Weapon: (Most everybody had some sort of weapon, or two, remember you cannot have a gun, or anything else mechanical. Swords are RARE, I will only allow 3 people to have them. But they can be ANYTHING. Common sword to rare. It can also be repaired if it breaks)
Other:(anything i forgot)

CODE
[B]Username:[/B]
[B]Char. Name:[/B]
[B]True name:[/B]
[B]Gender:[/B]
[B]Age:[/B]
[B]History:[/B]
[B]Appearance:[/B]
[B]Spirit Animal:[/B]
[B]Power:[/B]
[B]Weapon:[/B]
[B]Other:[/B]



NOTES:

(1) Literal translation would actually be Tooth Wolf but the translator I was using did not allow use of spaces, or fang >.>

(2)Check the intro post to see what happens if you're accepted

(3) Telekinesis signifies being able to read minds if people do not have blocks up (which some do), being able to lift and move things with your mind, and the ability to send waives of pain through an enemy

(4)The tribe and your house

(5) You are allowed to later lead those in your family that are at least ¼ Indian to this area to see if they are accepted. They CAN be NPCs or you can have someone, or yourself, play some/one of them

(6)Such as you could not have a wolf as your spirit animal, and have a deer for your familiar, but you could have bear for your familiar, and have a bear or even another predator or relation to a predator AKA a dog as a familiar.

(7) Such as if you have a bear as your spirit animal, than you could have a power such as
Anger Empowerment

This post has been edited by akiraa on Apr 5 2013, 11:53 PM
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 5 2012, 08:51 PM
Quote Post


♪Waking up is knowing who you really are♪
**********

Group: Members
Posts: 2,218
Member No.: 58,661
Joined: 11-April 10



ACCEPTED CHARACTERS:

Username: akiraa
Char. Name: Akira Inoue
True name: Daa'wa Pia'isa, Fang of Wolf
Gender: female
Age: 16
History: RP'd, but for a bit check italic part of first post
Appearance: Akira
Spirit Animal: Whats your Spirit Animal.
user posted image
The Wolf!!!! Congrats you are the wolf!! You love and care for all your family and friends. You love to have fun but no when it is time to stop and be serious. You would never betray any of your friends. If you see someone you care about being bullied or teased you will always jump in to rescue them. You are always fair and expect others who are around you to be fair. People like to be around you because you will always welcome them with an open heart. Everyone likes the way you know when it is time to stop and be serious. For you there is also no place like home. You are a free and happy spirit and you always have a smile on your face.
Power: Darkness manipulation (With certain limitations i just don't feel like listing). Because Wolves are more nocturnal, and can easily move around in darkness.
Weapon: A Katana, and Bow and arrows.
Other: Her familiar is a large, female, black lab she named Kye Kye.

Username: Bloodykisses123
Char. Name: Ashamun
True name: Eye of Hawk
Gender: Female
Age: 17
History: To be Rp'ed
Appearance: Ashamun
Spirit Animal:
Discover your Spirit Animal!
You are a Hawk! (your score: 26)
26
Hawks are the messengers of the Spirits. Adept with language, you might be a writer or a teacher. Your ability to assess situations impartially means that people often seek your guidance before making decisions. A brilliant visionary, you sometimes forget the mundane details of life like eating, sleeping, or paying bills.

Power: Quantity Manipulation because it's bad censorkip.gif. Just kidding! xd.png She has this power because hawks are mostly solitary birds, so the manipulation of how many things are around her goes against her usual personality. Having the ability to multiply whatever is around you gives her an excuse to say "I'm not lonely if I've got sixteen pieces of pie"
Weapon: Chain Scythe this kid's using. and bow and arrows.
Other: Familiar: Name: Osanjin
Appearance: Osanjin
Species: Hawk

Username: Dewspyrit
Char. Name: Ziva Stone
True name: Cougar's Kill (couldn't get translator to load)
Gender:Female
Age:16

History: Ziva's parents and two brothers died when she was very young in a house fire. Ever since she had been scared of the element and put into care. She was constantly picked up and abused before returning her to the care home. Ziva was recently living with a couple who would often cut her if she didn't do what she was told, therefore she has a lot of scars on her back,arms and legs. She has a very noticeable one across her left cheek. She went completely "off the rails" when she turned sixteen and got herself a tattoo on her left arm.

Appearance: Ziva tends to wear goggles when she is hunting on the mountains in winter

Spirit Animal: Cougar ~ Cougars have stealth, strength, phenomenal jumping ability, as well as enhanced sight and hearing. Grrr, baby—you're the personification of animal magnetism. Your confidence, beauty, and athleticism make you the target of many romantically inclined individuals. Too bad for them—you don't stick around long enough to make breakfast, much less a lifetime commitment. Hello Kitty, Goodbye Heart.
Best matches: Spiders, Wolverines, Hawks
She tends to go hunting on the mountains mountains, both in snowy and dry conditions and climbs trees, she does this often while alone or with her familiar.

Power:
Element Manipulation because cougars live on the ground and climb trees(earth/solid) They love to swim and play in the water(water/liquid) They tend to be in the air a lot considering they will jump over long distances and often over dangerous areas such as thing gorges, and they sometimes use the air if it is a strong wind to help them make the other side(Air/Gas) Cougars have a major fear of fire like all cats, and will not go near it unless absolutely necessary, they are scared of it but can be very brave sometimes and will conquer their fear(Fire/plasma) She only uses her powers when necesary as they drain her energy incredibly.
Weapon: Two Daggers that she can handle with expertise , has to be specific length though, and she is clumsy with any other weapon
Other: Her familiar is a male snow leopard named Kunya (censored)

Username: Raptor of Dragons
Char. Name: Zoey Smith
True name: Hawk Fish
Gender: female
Age: 15
History: RP'd
Appearance: http://img3.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/05...496af0_full.jpg, but she has strawberry blond hair
Spirit Animal:
http://www.jerismithready.com/quiz/#
You are a Hawk!
Hawks are the messengers of the Spirits. Adept with language, you might be a writer or a teacher. Your ability to assess situations impartially means that people often seek your guidance before making decisions. A brilliant visionary, you sometimes forget the mundane details of life like eating, sleeping, or paying bills.
Power: Air Manipulation: she has this power because hawks fly up in the air and she kind of feels awkward being on the ground so much.
Weapon: Bow and arrows.
Other: Her familiar is a brown fishing owl (is this okay?) named Ginger (censored)

Username: Skarx
Char. Name: Vincent Demers
True name: Duquaani Peesi / Night Feather
Gender: male
Age: 18
History: Grew up, went to school and loved playing darts ever since a kid. He eventually got addicted to it and tried different things to throw than just dart, which made some people uneasy about him and after a very misplaced joke about him aiming at someone he was always watched in case he’d go bad. Didn't stop him from making more of them though. He didn't mind having those rumors about him go around as it kept the most annoying people away from him and he only needed the few friends he had to actually be quite happy.
The rest will be RP’ed if need be.
Appearance: Vincent
Spirit Animal: Crow (Got 24 points for it on http://www.jerismithready.com/index.cfm/quiz/)
As a Crow, you are analytical, adaptable, and exceedingly clever. You like solving problems, sharing a hearty laugh with friends, and most of all, enjoying a good meal. Your inquisitive, philosophical nature leads you to constantly question authority and the status quo, sometimes just for the sake of asking, "Why?"
Power: Necromancy
List include only: Life-force Absorbtion, Death Sense, Mediumship and Reanimation (raising undead, note it's VERY taxing to do)
Weapon:Knives, Dart, anything that can be thrown
Other: (sensored). His familiar is a crow he calls Black even if it insists her name is Kawey.

Username: Kayrinda

Char. Name: Jade Welsky

True name: Da'ziuymbi Behe (Starfur)

Gender: Female

Age: 16

History: Jade had always been.. different for other girls in her class. She hates shopping, loves school, doesn't care about gossiping about boys.. Well, she has failed as a girl. She has always been the outsider. But Jade couldn't care less. She has always felt eager to run into the forest and never return.

Appearance: Short hair, so blond that it's almost white, green-bluish eyes, wears usually a white t-shirt that says: What's up, sailor? and shorts made of jean. On colder weathers wears long jeans and a jacked over her t-shirt.

Spirit Animal: Wolf ( Webpage (I got a wolf: with 22 points))

Power: Creation: In some stories, the Sun-goddess Wolf (Okami Amaterasu) created this world. This power has been passed on for generations by certain wolves. Jade however, has hard time using this power; it backfires more than does good.

Weapon: A knife on her belt, sometimes a bow and arrows. Found one day these (Though without those skull stuffs) and used them instead of a knife.

Other: Jade's familiar is a mix-breeded dog of Husky and Alaskan Malamute. His name is Riku. Riku's fur is mainly white, but has silver-grey markings here and there. Riku's right eye is brown and left eye is blue.

When she was still unaware of her spiritual animal, her hobby was sailing. Even after she discovered her spiritual animal, she sometimes goes sailing. But the forest always calls her back. *Censored*

Username: Shadowwolflegend
Char. Name: Ren Zephyr
True name: Deche Digwape (Silent Messenger)
Gender: Female
Age: 18
History: Has been living alone for about 2 years after several attempts to run away from home and can legally live by herself now. Her time now is mostly spent running about on the streets looking for a new place to call home. She still goes to school but is slowly failing classes and may drop out if something drastic doesn’t happen to her soon.
Appearance: Long black hair with red highlights. Has hazel eyes and a small scar over her eyebrow that she won’t talk about. Tends to wear a black sweater and jeans.
Spirit Animal:http://www.jerismithready.com/quiz/ You are a Fox! (your score: 20)
Fox is a bad sign, a messenger of danger,sickness, or possible death, but he is also a good power and a guardian. Certain shamans can use the power and spirit of the Fox to reverse a problem, as in the case of bringing someone out of a coma or back to life after the person has been pronounced dead. The Fox is clever, intelligent, a good hunter, and a wise friend. He also represents pride, regality, and loyalty.

Power: Precognition:
Can foresee danger and possible death in an hour before it happens.
Weapon: bow and arrows, Wooden Staff with eagle feathers tied to it she uses it mostly as a walking stick though
Other: Familiar that is a male platinum fox that normal people think is a blue mural sheltie named Baka. What Baka looks like Baka (Censored)

Username: Phoenixstarr
Char. Name: Alexis Grace
True name: Baanzuu'gu Bihyi (Otter’s Heart)
Gender: Female
Age: 16
History: To be RP’ed
Appearance: In terms of height and weight she is both shorter and plumper than average. She has brown hair of middling length and kind brown eyes. She habitually wears a smile, and often catches herself smiling in situations where smiling is not to one’s advantage.
Spirit Animal: You are a Otter! (your score: 25)
Otters are nurturing, playful, and easygoing. You often put others' needs before your own, offering what seems to be a bottomless well of compassion and care. Though your decisions are guided by your feelings, at heart you're pragmatic and self-possessed, making you the ideal head of a family or small business.
http://www.jerismithready.com/quiz/
Power: Healing, much in line with the playful, compassionate nature of the otter. Wiki Page
Weapon: A dagger, but she often refrains from using it
Other: (Censored)

Username: XiaoChibi
Char. Name: Acacia
True name: Waahni' Behe/ Fox Fur
Gender: Female
Age: 14
History: to be RP'd
Appearance: Acacia
Spirit Animal: Spirit Animal Quiz
You are a Fox! (your score: 22)

Powers: Stealth, night vision, ability to read and manipulate others' emotions
Foxes are clever, perceptive, and shrewd. You're happiest working behind the scenes, pulling strings and watching others dance to your imperceptible tune. Independent yet highly social, you glide among your circles of acquaintance with ease, sharing your sharp wit or a delicious piece of gossip.
Power: Kitsune Physiology. With Kitsune Physiology, Acacia has fox-like qualities, such as claw retraction and tail. However, the amount of tails one has is based on age; Acacia is only on her second. Due to her lack of wisdom, her powers are somewhat limited.
Weapon: Bow and arrows
Other: Her familiar is a red fox that she named Focaccia, after her favorite food. (censored)

Username: Ethril Dragon
Char. Name: Fascino Torriano
True name: Wastelakapi Niyaha ska - Beloved White Feather
Gender: Male
Age: 17
History: Fascino was adopted at a very young age. What little was known about his mother was that she was an Irish immigrant. Nothing was known about his father. His new parents were Italian and decided to name him Fascino.
Appearance: Fascino is tall for his age. He's a tad on the thin side with some defined muscles from his years of dancing. He has straight red hair that falls to the middle of his back. His bangs are trimmed so that they stop just above his eyes. His eyes are light brown with flecks of gold in them. He likes wearing loose and simple clothes that he can move around in easily. He wears a gold ear cuff on his left ear that has a chain connection from the top of the cuff to the piercing on his ear lobe. He also wears a gold chain with a simple tear drop shaped gold pendant.
His eyes are often half closed when he looks at people and there seems to be an almost permanent slight smile on his lips.
Spirit Animal: Swan (27 points)
Swans are idealistic, open-minded, and passionate. Your good nature often leads people to think they can take advantage of you, but they should be careful—beneath that serenity lies a fighting spirit. Your love is fierce and unconditional, fueled by the certainty that it should last forever.
Power:
Love Embodiment - Users become the living embodiment of love and gain the ability feed off of the love of everyone and everything including themselves. Users can convert love into energy and use it as a full source to extend their own life span or as a weapon. - Swans are known for their passion and love so love is very important to swans.
Weapon: Can use the stores of energy converted from love to send an energy blast at a target. Other then that, Fascino dislikes weapons of any sort.
Other: (Censored)
Fascino is a very passionate lover. His mindset is that there are many types of love and that you shouldn't restrict your love to one person or thing. To make sure he doesn't break a person's heart, something that hurts him as well, he makes sure to tell his current girl friend/boy friend about his feelings about love.

Username: NPC
Char. Name: Anita Black
True name: baanzuu'gu behe (Otter Fur)
Gender: Female
Age: 15ish
History:
Appearance: Anita/Otter Fur
Spirit Animal: Otter: Personality: Happy go lucky and can be very goofy. Finds work 'fun' and takes it seriously. Most people are surprised by her strength and ability to work by her stature and goofy personality. When not working she usually has a goofy grin on her face and teases people.
Power: Water Control/freezing
Weapon: Bows and arrows and knives. Also water whips and ice whips/weapons
Other: Has a familiar named Ollie, he is a giant otter.

Username: NPC
Char. Name: Allen Simon
True name: akoaih tsasidu'i (Bear Claw)
Gender: Male
Age: 18
History:
Appearance: Allen/Bear Claw
Spirit Animal: Bear: Personality: Quite professional and loyal. He can be a bit blunt sometimes, but has a good heart. He used to be easily angered, but has controlled that, but when angry he is brutish and just like his spirit animal the bear.
Power: Anger Empowerment
Weapon: Kunai's that he holds like claws
Other: Has a bear cub as a familiar named Beatrice.

What tribe tattoo's look like:
Bear: user posted image

Wolf: user posted image

Hawk: user posted image

Cougar: Cougar

otter: user posted image

Crow: user posted image

Fox:
user posted image

This post has been edited by akiraa on Jun 11 2013, 07:41 PM
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thegreenrobby
Posted: Apr 6 2012, 02:59 PM
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Posts: 893
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QUOTE (akiraa @ Apr 5 2012, 06:50 PM)
A high school girl was running to school. She was going to be late! She had slept in and needed to get to school in a hurry. Only problem is... The girl stopped and looked around. She was lost. She was in some somewhat large park, or forest clearing. She looked around to see a lot of teens and children. Only they were all Indian*. She could tell by there skin color, her grandma was Indian, but the girl was white. She was probably about 1/4 Indian by her calculations. Her mom was 1/2.

The teens and kids were also looking at her vehemently. One of the older teens stepped forward. He looked around 18. He turned and seemed to tell the rest of the kids something in there native language. He then turned to the girl and said in perfect English "Welcome, potential Sister. We are from an unknown tribe of Indians called the Pohakanten tribe. The shaman tribe. Each of us are descended from Shamans, and have the powers of them flowing strong through us. Stronger than are ancestors. You have the same power flowing through you, but the question is, are you truly one of us? Will your spirit animal come forth and accept you? For you see, each of us are close to are Spirit Animal, and have powers adopted to them, as well as the regular ones, such as dream walking, telekinesis, teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if your accepted, you'll live as well, and summoning of either your family, or those in your clan, or even your spirit animal, as well as some others. Your clan is based off which spirit animal you are. I am from the Bear clan". the boy turned and lifted his hair, showing a black tattoo of a bear.

He then turned back around and said "Everyone you see here has been accepted by there spirit animal. The reason they look at you with such disdain, is because you have not been proven yet to be chosen. Making it here truly is one thing, but being chosen by your animal is another. If you are not accepted, which some aren't, you will pose a threat to us". The girl nodded, quite scared and confused. The boy then smiled a little and said "Well, you'll understand more, later. For now, let's see if your accepted". The boy turned around then said in what the girl still presumed was there native language. The kids nodded and all stepped back, to reveal a beautiful crystal clear pond. The boy turned back to the girl and said "Step up to the pond and look into it". That is all he said.

The girl simply nodded and stepped forward, then looked into the pond. At first all she saw was her reflection in it, then suddenly it shifted. A large head of a wolf appeared in it. The girl would have stumbled back, but her body would not move. The wolf seemed to smile then said "You have been accepted, young one. You are now a part of the tribe. You shall have a new name here, your true name. Daa'wa Pia'isa, Fang of Wolf**. You shall also reside in the Wolf clan". The wolf then seemed to disappear, and the girl stumbled back and fell. The boy came over and helped her up with a smile, and said, in what she could tell was still there native language, only she could understand it now, "Welcome officially sister."


PLOT:
You are a middle-high schooler among the ages of 14-18. You are walking to or from school (yes you HAVE to be walking) when you suddenly find yourself in an odd clearing in what you later find out is a hidden forest in a slightly different realm, one, though, that is very, very close to the realm we live in now and you can easily move between the two. Here you find a large group of kids from the ages of toddlers to 18 playing. They are all Indians, but one thing you notice is that they actually have some rather 'exotic' hair colors, rather than just dark colors. Some are blond, some are red headed, and some even have purple hair, which you assume is from dyeing it. You also notice that they are all staring at you, only with disdain. One of them steps forward, a boy at the age of 18, and tells you about the tribe and why you are here. He also reveals he is from the bear clan. You get led to a pond, where you either get accepted by your spirit animal*** Or nothing happens.

If you are accepted you are welcomed as either a brother or sister, gain your new/true name, as well as you can now understand and speak their language, and are led to the tribe. It is a rather odd mix of modern technology and homes and ancient. You are taken and get a tattoo on the back of your neck that signify's what clan your in, which depends on your spirit animal. You are then led to the section of the tribe that your clan resides in. You find out that all the clans get a long and work together, that the only reason they're there is to know who has what spirit animal. You then learn of your powers, everybody shares certain powers such as Dream walking, visions, Telekinesis*** *, Teleportation between the two realms*** **, the ability to summon either your spirit animal for help, those in your clan for help, or, if your family gets accepted also*** *** you can summon them for help no matter what Clan, as well as the ability to gain a familiar, an animal that bonds with you to help you and that you can understand as well as listens to you indefinably, that is related or not prey with you spirit animal.*** *** * You also have a power that can some how relate to your spirit animal*** *** **, as well as you can be over shadowed by them to gain power or speed, or something useful from them, but can over exhaust you body. You also notice that while your here, after you are accepted, that you look Indian, other than your hair and eyes. You also find out though, that this place is not exactly safe and excluded. Sometimes humans that have no Shaman blood might somehow wander in, and threaten the environment, some of those that were rejected by there spirit animals may come for revenge, there are still predators that come forth to attack, and there are also more mythical animals/creatures that attack. You have to not only protect the tribe, but keep up with school work in the main realm, adapt to life in the tribe, and learn to use your powers.

If you are NOT accepted by your spirit animal, you are then sent back to where you came from. Only thing is you can still learn to use some of your powers. You may decide to seek revenge, maybe find more like you who were not accepted for whatever reason. Maybe you wish to prove you can join in another way, and return to try and do so.

SETTING:
The main world is in a modern American city.

The tribe is located in another, but very close, realm to ours's in a large forest. The tribe has a mix of modern and ancient things. They have electricity, and can even use and connect to the internet in the main realm. They have TV and cable that also connect, but they hardly use it. Oddly enough though they DON'T have many modern weapons. You might find a few swords if you look in the right places, but you certainly will not find a gun, and you cannot bring one back with you from the main world. Most weapons are bow and arrows, spears, and knives. They also usually wear modern clothes, but some decide to wear more native clothes. Also in this realm, though, are a mixture of many different animals we know of in the real world. There are even some odd areas in the forest that are different climates. So you could, necessarily, find a lion in the right places. But there is also a large assortment of what we would thing of mythical or fantasy creatures there. Things such as dragons, to chimeras. And anything else you can think of. There aren't any cars, people use horses to get around.

RULES:
1.No godmodding
2.No powerplaying
3.Please do not get on me if I messed something up on anything to do with Indians. 4.Or get on me for calling the Indians, it's easier to type then Native Americans.
5.No Mary Sues or Gary Stu's.
6.Please keep this PG13. Romance and violence are allowed, but do not go into 'juicy' details or gory details.
7.Put Shoshone in others section if you read the rules.
8.If you want your char. to be accepted by their spirit animal, you MUST use a spirit animal quiz, any of them, to determine there spirit animal, and put a link to what you got in your app under Spirit Animal.
9.If your Char. is accepted by there spirit animal, then you MUST have there 'true' name. It must be first put in Shoshone (Use this site and dumb it down like i did if you must. Per say if you want fang in it, then you will have to use tooth) and then in English. It also MUST contain something to do with your spirit animal. You do not necessarily have to put your spirit animal in it, such as I did, but do not have your spirit animal be a spider per say and have tail in your name.
10.No more than 3 characters are allowed.
11. If you have more than one character, just use a different quiz to find your spirit animal, you'll most likely get a different result (for example I went through three different one's and got a Wolf, Spider, and Eagle).
12.PM me apps.
13.You CAN use your powers in the Main realm, but if your discovered, it can be dangerous.

CHARACTER SHEET:
Username:
Char. Name:
True name: (Your 'new' name while in the tribe, leave blank if you decide not to be accepted.)
Gender:
Age:(Between 14 and 18 unless your some ones family member)
History: (May leave blank/be rp'd.)
Appearance:
Spirit Animal: (This will also be the rubric for your personality, put a link to the result of whatever quiz you took to find your spirit animal, if you decided not to have your char. be accepted then replace this with personality)
Power: (This means the power related to your animal. Please use this to find a power, than put at least one sentence explaining HOW the power relates to your animal. Also, please no double listings of powers. As in do not use a power someone else has. If you chose not to be accepted, and wish to have some powers, please put them here, but they HAVE to be minor. And you can only have 2, they also must be from the generic powers, the ones all have that aren't influenced by your spirit animal)
Weapon: (Most everybody had some sort of weapon, or two, remember you cannot have a gun, or anything else mechanical. Swords are RARE, I will only allow 3 people to have them. But they can be ANYTHING. Common sword to rare. It can also be repaired if it breaks)
Other:(anything i forgot)

CODE
[B]Username:[/B]
[B]Char. Name:[/B]
[B]True name:[/B]
[B]Gender:[/B]
[B]Age:[/B]
[B]History:[/B]
[B]Appearance:[/B]
[B]Spirit Animal:[/B]
[B]Power:[/B]
[B]Weapon:[/B]
[B]Other:[/B]



NOTES:

*as in native American wink.gif

** Literal translation would actually be Tooth Wolf but the translator I was using did not allow use of spaces, or fang >.>

***Check the intro post to see what happens if your accepted

*** * Telekinesis signifies being able to read minds, if people do not have blocks up (which some do), being able to lift and move things with your mind, and the ability to send waives of pain through an enemy

*** **The tribe and your house

*** *** You are allowed to later lead those in your family that are at least ¼ Indian to this area to see if they are accepted. They CAN be NPC’s or you can have someone, or yourself, play some/one of them

*** *** *Such as you could not have a wolf as your spirit animal, and have a deer for your familiar, but you could have bear for your familiar, and have a bear or even another predator or relation to a predator AKA a dog as a familiar.

*** *** ** Such as if you have a bear as your spirit animal, than you could have a power such as
Anger Empowerment

Hello. I have come to put some critique into your work. Please take my advise as a fellow roleplayer.
QUOTE
She looked around to see a lot of teens and children. Only they were all Indian*.

-This seems awkward. Try something along the lines of this:

She looked around to see a lot of teens and children, but there was something strange about the group; they were all Indian.

Also, what's with the asterik (*) ?
QUOTE
She was probably about 1/4 Indian by her calculations. Her mom was 1/2.

-You are supposed to type out numbers under 11.
So, one fourth and one half.
QUOTE
He turned and seemed to tell the rest of the kids something in there native language.

-Their.
QUOTE
He then turned to the girl and said in perfect English "Welcome, potential Sister.

-There should be a comma after 'said' and one after 'English.'
QUOTE
We are from an unknown tribe of Indians called the Pohakanten tribe. The shaman tribe.

-This also seems a little awkwardly-written. 'The shaman tribe' should be capitalized, and it also isn't a full sentence.

We are from a tribe called 'The Pohakanten Tribe' or 'The Shaman Tribe.' Very few outsiders actually know that we exist.

QUOTE
Each of us are descended from Shamans, and have the powers of them flowing strong through us.

-Write is as 'us have descended from shamans,' or 'us are descendants of the shamans.'
QUOTE
Stronger than are ancestors.

-Not a full sentence. It lacks a subject.

OK, I have to go for now; I haven't caught everything yet, so I'll be back later.
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girlfairy76
Posted: Apr 6 2012, 03:06 PM
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QUOTE (thegreenrobby @ Apr 6 2012, 03:59 PM)
Hello. I have come to put some critique into your work. Please take my advise as a fellow roleplayer.

-This seems awkward. Try something along the lines of this:

She looked around to see a lot of teens and children, but there was something strange about the group; they were all Indian.

Also, what's with the asterik (*) ?

-You are supposed to type out numbers under 11.
So, one fourth and one half.

-Their.

-There should be a comma after 'said' and one after 'English.'

-This also seems a little awkwardly-written. 'The shaman tribe' should be capitalized, and it also isn't a full sentence.

We are from a tribe called 'The Pohakanten Tribe' or 'The Shaman Tribe.' Very few outsiders actually know that we exist.


-Write is as 'us have descended from shamans,' or 'us are descendants of the shamans.'

-Not a full sentence. It lacks a subject.

OK, I have to go for now; I haven't caught everything yet, so I'll be back later.

I don't think there should be a comma after said Robby. And said, in perfect English, I think it should be and said in perfect English, but, if that's what you prefer.
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thegreenrobby
Posted: Apr 6 2012, 03:20 PM
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QUOTE (girlfairy76 @ Apr 6 2012, 01:06 PM)
I don't think there should be a comma after said Robby. And said, in perfect English, I think it should be and said in perfect English, but, if that's what you prefer.

I just thought that 'in perfect english' is an interrupter, and the sentence can be said easily without it, Hence has the commas.

He then turned to the girl and said, in perfect English, "Welcome, potential Sister.

He then turned to the girl and said, "Welcome, potential Sister.

I guess you could look at it either way, though.
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Kokay
Posted: Apr 6 2012, 03:39 PM
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There are just a few things that you left out, akira.

I want to know what powers that those who aren't accepted get to keep. Why would they want to attack?

Don't you think that there would be an "evil" Clan too? Like, a group of those not accepted who would be approached by the "evil" animals and given the same powers as those who were accepted? It would make it much easier for those who weren't accepted into the Tribe to wreak havoc. Of course, they wouldn't be as strong. /endideathrowup

I understand that you don't want to go out and type 'Native American' one thousand times, but doing so would do two things. 1. It would make it easier to understand. (Literally, I came over and read this and for the WHOLE thing I was like, "Why Indians?") 2. It would help get this RP approved faster. Approvers and Mods are very sensitive about things like this. I'm surprised you haven't been jumped for it already.

PM me! I have ideas I'd love to talk about. I'll certainly join this RP once it's all cleaned up.
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 6 2012, 04:27 PM
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Well the asteriks are for the notes at the bottom, the number of asteriks denotes what note to go to. Also, I do clear up in the notes that i mean Native American, that is why there is an asterik after Indian. Also there isn't an evil clan because all of the tribe needs to get along, to survive. And I thought I did say what power non accepted could have... Well anyways I'll go and change/add some things later, when I have more time. I'm not supposed to be on the computer right now.
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Kokay
Posted: Apr 6 2012, 04:39 PM
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I understand that you mentioned they had some powers. But, being the 'by the book' kind of person I am, I was wondering what powers exactly. Obviously they can't call on members of their Clan. But, what powers are they going to retain?
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 6 2012, 04:49 PM
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Hmm I'll be sure to specify. Also if some one else gets on me about the Native American thing I'll change it, but it also shows that when Rp'ing you can use the term Indians instead of having to type Native American's whenever you reference them or yourself in some way.

This post has been edited by akiraa on Apr 6 2012, 05:07 PM
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girlfairy76
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 08:07 AM
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QUOTE (thegreenrobby @ Apr 6 2012, 04:20 PM)
I just thought that 'in perfect english' is an interrupter, and the sentence can be said easily without it, Hence has the commas.

He then turned to the girl and said, in perfect English, "Welcome, potential Sister.

He then turned to the girl and said, "Welcome, potential Sister.

I guess you could look at it either way, though.

I guess it depends on how you read
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 10:56 AM
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QUOTE (girlfairy76 @ Apr 7 2012, 08:07 AM)
I guess it depends on how you read

Alright let's put this to rest. I decided to use "and said, in perfect English, "Welcome, potential Sister."
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thegreenrobby
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 04:41 PM
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QUOTE
For you see, each of us are close to are Spirit Animal, and have powers adopted to them, as well as the regular ones, such as dream walking, telekinesis, teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if your accepted, you'll live as well, and summoning of either your family, or those in your clan, or even your spirit animal, as well as some others.

-Seems like a run-on sentence. Can you break it up into 2-3 sentences?
-The second 'Are' should be 'Our.'
-I don't understand what you mean by 'and have powers adopted to them.' Re-write it, if possible.
-The first 'Your' should be 'You're.'
-The comma after 'family' is un-nessassary, as well as the 'or' after it.
QUOTE
If you are not accepted, which some aren't, you will pose a threat to us".

-Period should be inside the quotes.
QUOTE
  The boy turned around then said in what the girl still presumed was there native language.

-I'm sorry, what? This doesn't make much sense. Can you re-word it?
-'There' should be 'Their.'
QUOTE
The boy turned back to the girl and said "Step up to the pond and look into it". That is all he said.

-Comma should be after 'said.'
-Period before quotes.
-Try something along the lines of 'He said no more.' 'That is all he said' seems first-person.

You know what? Copy everything below my last edit, and paste it into a word-processor document, like Microsoft Word or OpenOffice Writer. Correct most of it from there, as a lot of these, a computer can easily detect and fix.

-Robby.

This post has been edited by thegreenrobby on Apr 7 2012, 08:39 PM
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Kokay
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 05:20 PM
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Robby, you're wrong about the first thing. It should still be are, but the second one should be fixed.

Aside from that, I agree with what all you've posted so far. But, okay I lied, your last statement. Though I know you're trying to help, you need to understand that not everyone has access to a word-processor. I'm not sure if this is the case with Akira, but we wouldn't want to offend anyone here by assuming. But, I would like to suggest... @Akira, just reread through your first post. Read it carefully, if you don't understand something, fix it. If something looks wrong, fix it.
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 05:21 PM
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QUOTE (thegreenrobby @ Apr 7 2012, 04:41 PM)
-Seems like a run-on sentence. Can you break it up into 2-3 sentences?
-The first 'Are' should be 'Our.'
-I don't understand what you mean by 'and have powers adopted to them.' Re-write it, if possible.
-The first 'Your' should be 'You're.'
-The comma after 'family' is un-nessassary, as well as the 'or' after it.

-Period should be inside the quotes.

Its lists so I can not brek it up, or needs to stay. I don't thing it would make sense if it said "and summoning of either your family those in your clan, or even your spirit animal, as well as some others."
Because it doesn't mean the ones in your clan. It means your family from the Main realm. It at least needs the comma. It is a list of who you can summon. But I'll see what I can do. Also, and not only did I run this through a grammar checker that said it isn't right, but I also just learned about it in English. The punctuation goes OUTSIDE the quotes. Look it up. It's cause it is an end of a sentence before.

Saw something else. You said the there in the third sentence you pointed out should be They're which means They Are. So you think the sentence would make sense saying

" The boy turned around then said in what the girl still presumed was they are native language."?

I could understand Their, but They're? They are?


This post has been edited by akiraa on Apr 7 2012, 05:38 PM
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Kokay
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 05:35 PM
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Ah, yes. I missed the list one. The list is right, Akira. It could be reworded, but the list is entirely correct.
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 05:51 PM
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yep and i found another mistake of his xd.png
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thegreenrobby
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 08:41 PM
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Wow. Irony. The 'they're' should be 'their' and the first should be second. I fixed the post in case you don't understand. Sorry happy.gif'
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Kigyptnee
Posted: Apr 7 2012, 09:02 PM
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Hi! xd.png

Starting from the top...

QUOTE
A high school girl was running to school. She was going to be late! She had slept in and needed to get to school in a hurry. Only problem is... The girl stopped and looked around. She was lost. She was in some somewhat large park, or forest clearing. She looked around to see a lot of teens and children, but there was something strange about the group; they were all Indian.* She could tell by there skin color, her grandma was Indian, but the girl was white. She was probably about one fourth Indian by her calculations, her mom was one half.


I don't think "The" needs to be capitalized in this instance since it's not really the start of a new sentence.

"some somewhat" is technically acceptable (I think), but it's still a bit awkward having those two words right next to each other in the sentence. Um... perhaps substituting the word "somewhat" with another word with a reasonably equivalent definition, such as "moderately" would help.

"there" should be "their".

QUOTE
The teens and kids were also looking at her vehemently. One of the older teens stepped forward. He looked around 18. He turned and seemed to tell the rest of the kids something in their native language. He then turned to the girl and said, in perfect English, "Welcome, potential Sister. We are from a tribe called 'The Pohakanten Tribe' or 'The Shaman Tribe.' Very few outsiders actually know that we exist. Each of us are descendants of the shamans, and have the powers of them flowing strong through us. It flows stronger than even are ancestors powers. You have the same power flowing through you, but the question is, are you truly one of us? Will your spirit animal come forth and accept you? For you see, each of us are close to our Spirit Animal, and have powers related to them, as well as the regular ones. The regular ones are ones we all have. They include dream walking, telekinesis, teleportation between the place where you live now, and the tribe where, if you're accepted, you'll live as well, and summoning of either your family, those in your clan, or even your spirit animal, as well as some other powers. Your clan is based off which spirit animal you are. I am from the Bear clan". The boy turned and lifted his hair, showing a black tattoo of a bear.


First of all, for as interesting as this whole idea is, I found it rather odd how open this bear clan boy was with information about the shaman tribe with someone who wasn't even accepted into their ranks yet. I mean, he didn't seem to leave *any* details out, even listing what powers everyone was capable of doing. That kind of information could leave them vulnerable if the person was not accepted and was bent on revenge. Just an observation.

"are" should be our.

"ancestors" should have an apostrophe on the end because it is referring to the (multiple) ancestors' powers.

QUOTE
He then turned back around and said, "Everyone you see here has been accepted by their spirit animal. The reason they look at you with such disdain, is because you have not been proven yet to be chosen. Making it here truly is one thing, but being chosen by your animal is another. If you are not accepted, which some aren't, you will pose a threat to us". The girl nodded, quite scared and confused. The boy then smiled a little and said, "Well, you'll understand more, later. For now, let's see if your accepted". The boy turned around then said something to the rest of the kids, in what the girl still presumed was their native language. The kids then nodded and all stepped back, to reveal a beautiful crystal clear pond. The boy turned back to the girl and said, "Step up to the pond and look into it". After that he said nothing else.


"your" should be "you're".

QUOTE
The girl simply nodded and stepped forward, then looked into the pond. At first all she saw was her reflection in it, then suddenly it shifted. A large head of a wolf appeared in it. The girl would have stumbled back, but her body would not move. The wolf seemed to smile then said, "You have been accepted, young one. You are now a part of the tribe. You shall have a new name here, your true name. Daa'wa Pia'isa, Fang of Wolf**. You shall also reside in the Wolf clan". The wolf then seemed to disappear, and the girl stumbled back and fell. The boy came over and helped her up with a smile, and said, in what she could tell was still there native language, only she could understand it now, "Welcome officially sister."


"there" should be "their".

QUOTE
You are a middle-high schooler among the ages of 14-18. You are walking to or from school (yes you HAVE to be walking) when you suddenly find yourself in an odd clearing in what you later find out is a hidden forest in a slightly different realm, one, though, that is very, very close to the realm we live in now and you can easily move between the two. Here you find a large group of kids from the ages of toddlers to 18 playing. They are all Indians, but one thing you notice is that they actually have some rather 'exotic' hair colors, rather than just dark colors. Some are blond, some are red headed, and some even have purple hair, which you assume is from dyeing it. You also notice that they are all staring at you, only with disdain. One of them steps forward, a boy at the age of 18, and tells you about the tribe and why you are here. He also reveals he is from the bear clan. You get led to a pond, where you either get accepted by your spirit animal*** Or nothing happens.


...there's absolutely no one over 18 living in the shaman tribe?

QUOTE
If you are accepted you are welcomed as either a brother or sister, gain your new/true name, as well as you can now understand and speak their language, and are led to the tribe. It is a rather odd mix of modern technology and homes and ancient. You are taken and get a tattoo on the back of your neck that signify's what clan your in, which depends on your spirit animal. You are then led to the section of the tribe that your clan resides in. You find out that all the clans get a long and work together, that the only reason they're there is to know who has what spirit animal.


"a long" is one word, I believe.

That last sentence is worded a bit confusingly. I'm gathering all the clans live together but separate.

QUOTE
You then learn of your powers, everybody shares certain powers such as Dream walking, visions, Telekinesis*** *, Teleportation between the two realms*** **, the ability to summon either your spirit animal for help, those in your clan for help, or, if your family gets accepted also*** *** you can summon them for help no matter what Clan, as well as the ability to gain a familiar, an animal that bonds with you to help you and that you can understand as well as listens to you indefinably, that is related or not prey with you spirit animal.*** *** *


1) You've already detailed an entire list of shared powers in the.. erm... prologue.
2) All the asterisks, as nice as the information they refer to are, really throw off my flow reading this section.

So here's an idea. This paragraph overall is rather blocky. Since you've already detailed the powers earlier in the RP write-up and you have that lovely asterisks = additional information system already in place... why not condense this section down a bit? Just say something like, "Everyone shares certain powers" and leave it at that - then add (an) asterisk(s) [or better yet, put a number in parenthesis instead of using asterisks at all] to the end of that simple phrase and put the list of powers and their particulars at the bottom.

Um... like this...
In the paragraph:

Everyone shares certain powers.** * * ** *
or
Everyone shares certain powers (7).

At the Bottom:
** * * ** *Powers everyone has include dreamwalking, visions, telekinesis..... etc. etc. (whatever you want to write)
or
(7) Powers everyone has include dreamwalking, visions, telekinesis..... etc. etc. (whatever you want to write)

Anyways, it's just an idea - you don't have to implement it. smile.gif

3) I'm not really understanding the bit about the familiar. Are they simply cutesy companions that help you cope as you come into your powers, or are they also magical with certain abilities?

QUOTE
You also have a power that can some how relate to your spirit animal*** *** **, as well as you can be over shadowed by them to gain power or speed, or something useful from them, but can over exhaust you body.


This part is cool. I wouldn't mind if you elaborated a little bit more about the bond between the shaman & the spirit animal and what they can do together.

QUOTE
You also notice that while your here, after you are accepted, that you look Indian, other than your hair and eyes. You also find out though, that this place is not exactly safe and excluded. Sometimes humans that have no Shaman blood might somehow wander in, and threaten the environment, some of those that were rejected by there spirit animals may come for revenge, there are still predators that come forth to attack, and there are also more mythical animals/creatures that attack. You have to not only protect the tribe, but keep up with school work in the main realm, adapt to life in the tribe, and learn to use your powers. 


"your" should be "you're"
"there" should be "their"

QUOTE
SETTING:
The main world is in a modern American city.

The tribe is located in another, but very close, realm to ours's in a large forest. The tribe has a mix of modern and ancient things. They have electricity, and can even use and connect to the internet in the main realm. They have TV and cable that also connect, but they hardly use it. Oddly enough though they DON'T have many modern weapons. You might find a few swords if you look in the right places, but you certainly will not find a gun, and you cannot bring one back with you from the main world. Most weapons are bow and arrows, spears, and knives. They also usually wear modern clothes, but some decide to wear more native clothes. Also in this realm, though, are a mixture of many different animals we know of in the real world. There are even some odd areas in the forest that are different climates. So you could, necessarily, find a lion in the right places. But there is also a large assortment of what we would thing of mythical or fantasy creatures there. Things such as dragons, to chimeras. And anything else you can think of. There aren't any cars, people use horses to get around.


"ours" is already a possessive. The apostrophe s is unneeded.
"though" doesn't seem necessary here. I think it would read better as, "Also in this realm are a mixture of many different animals we know of in the real world."

QUOTE
RULES:
1.No godmodding
2.No powerplaying
3.Please do not get on me if I messed something up on anything to do with Indians. 4.Or get on me for calling the Indians, it's easier to type then Native Americans.
5.No Mary Sues or Gary Stu's.
6.Please keep this PG13. Romance and violence are allowed, but do not go into 'juicy' details or gory details.
7.Put Shoshone in others section if you read the rules.
8.If you want your char. to be accepted by their spirit animal, you MUST use a spirit animal quiz, any of them, to determine there spirit animal, and put a link to what you got in your app under Spirit Animal.
9.If your Char. is accepted by there spirit animal, then you MUST have there 'true' name. It must be first put in Shoshone (Use this site and dumb it down like i did if you must. Per say if you want fang in it, then you will have to use tooth) and then in English. It also MUST contain something to do with your spirit animal. You do not necessarily have to put your spirit animal in it, such as I did, but do not have your spirit animal be a spider per say and have tail in your name.
10.No more than 3 characters are allowed.
11. If you have more than one character, just use a different quiz to find your spirit animal, you'll most likely get a different result (for example I went through three different one's and got a Wolf, Spider, and Eagle).
12.PM me apps.
13.You CAN use your powers in the Main realm, but if your discovered, it can be dangerous.


Rules #3 and #4 are on the same line.
"there" should be "their" (all three)
"your" should be "you're"

QUOTE
CHARACTER SHEET:
Username:
Char. Name:
True name: (Your 'new' name while in the tribe, leave blank if you decide not to be accepted.)
Gender:
Age:(Between 14 and 18 unless your some ones family member)
History: (May leave blank/be rp'd.)
Appearance:
Spirit Animal: (This will also be the rubric for your personality, put a link to the result of whatever quiz you took to find your spirit animal, if you decided not to have your char. be accepted then replace this with personality)
Power: (This means the power related to your animal. Please use this to find a power, than put at least one sentence explaining HOW the power relates to your animal. Also, please no double listings of powers. As in do not use a power someone else has. If you chose not to be accepted, and wish to have some powers, please put them here, but they HAVE to be minor. And you can only have 2, they also must be from the generic powers, the ones all have that aren't influenced by your spirit animal)
Weapon: (Most everybody had some sort of weapon, or two, remember you cannot have a gun, or anything else mechanical. Swords are RARE, I will only allow 3 people to have them. But they can be ANYTHING. Common sword to rare. It can also be repaired if it breaks)
Other:(anything i forgot)


"your" should be "you're"
"some ones" should be "someone's"
--

Hopefully this (my poor editing) wasn't too confusing to read. smile.gif

This post has been edited by Kigyptnee on Apr 7 2012, 09:03 PM
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akiraa
Posted: Apr 8 2012, 01:46 AM
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QUOTE (Kigyptnee @ Apr 7 2012, 09:02 PM)
Hi!  xd.png

Starting from the top...



I don't think "The" needs to be capitalized in this instance since it's not really the start of a new sentence.

"some somewhat" is technically acceptable (I think), but it's still a bit awkward having those two words right next to each other in the sentence. Um... perhaps substituting the word "somewhat" with another word with a reasonably equivalent definition, such as "moderately" would help.

"there" should be "their".



First of all, for as interesting as this whole idea is, I found it rather odd how open this bear clan boy was with information about the shaman tribe with someone who wasn't even accepted into their ranks yet. I mean, he didn't seem to leave *any* details out, even listing what powers everyone was capable of doing. That kind of information could leave them vulnerable if the person was not accepted and was bent on revenge. Just an observation.

"are" should be our.

"ancestors" should have an apostrophe on the end because it is referring to the (multiple) ancestors' powers.



"your" should be "you're".



"there" should be "their".



...there's absolutely no one over 18 living in the shaman tribe?



"a long" is one word, I believe.

That last sentence is worded a bit confusingly. I'm gathering all the clans live together but separate.



1) You've already detailed an entire list of shared powers in the.. erm... prologue.
2) All the asterisks, as nice as the information they refer to are, really throw off my flow reading this section.

So here's an idea. This paragraph overall is rather blocky. Since you've already detailed the powers earlier in the RP write-up and you have that lovely asterisks = additional information system already in place... why not condense this section down a bit? Just say something like, "Everyone shares certain powers" and leave it at that - then add (an) asterisk(s) [or better yet, put a number in parenthesis instead of using asterisks at all] to the end of that simple phrase and put the list of powers and their particulars at the bottom.

Um... like this...
In the paragraph:

Everyone shares certain powers.** * * ** *
or
Everyone shares certain powers (7).

At the Bottom:
** * * ** *Powers everyone has include dreamwalking, visions, telekinesis..... etc. etc. (whatever you want to write)
or
(7) Powers everyone has include dreamwalking, visions, telekinesis..... etc. etc. (whatever you want to write)

Anyways, it's just an idea - you don't have to implement it. smile.gif

3) I'm not really understanding the bit about the familiar. Are they simply cutesy companions that help you cope as you come into your powers, or are they also magical with certain abilities?



This part is cool. I wouldn't mind if you elaborated a little bit more about the bond between the shaman & the spirit animal and what they can do together.



"your" should be "you're"
"there" should be "their"



"ours" is already a possessive. The apostrophe s is unneeded.
"though" doesn't seem necessary here. I think it would read better as, "Also in this realm are a mixture of many different animals we know of in the real world."



Rules #3 and #4 are on the same line.
"there" should be "their" (all three)
"your" should be "you're"



"your" should be "you're"
"some ones" should be "someone's"
--

Hopefully this (my poor editing) wasn't too confusing to read. smile.gif

Thanks very much smile.gif I did most of the edit things, and changed the note's a bit. I added a bit more on familiar's and the bond between a spirit animal and their shaman. Also there ARE ones older, but they were either there longer, or they are family members who were also accepted once the other teen was. I think i did put they could bring their family there to see if they could also be accepted, and as long as your playing someones family member, you can be older. There are also YOUNGER kids, but I think teens a good age since your more mature. Under 14 they would either be stuck in the tribe when not in the main realm, or in the clearing as long as there was a large group with some older teens. I also had to put in another list of powers cause I added some that weren't mentioned in the prologue, And also not everyone will probably read the prologue, and I don't feel like editing and listing all the powers again. xd.png

I also had them tell most of the powers in the prologue so as to have it so that the ones who are rejected know they have powers, so that they can use them/come back and make things more interesting xd.png

This post has been edited by akiraa on Apr 8 2012, 01:52 AM
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Kigyptnee
Posted: Apr 8 2012, 04:41 AM
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((Quotes aren't working, so I'm going to italicize quoted text. Hope it isn't too confusing... I also made some color references, so if you're colorblind, let me know, so I can change the way I phrase a few things...))
---------

Alright! The notes do seem cleaner now, there's significantly fewer spelling mistakes, and the added bit about the spirit animals and their connection to their shaman is a fantastic addition! I think it's definitely looking better! xd.png

[QUOTE]I also had to put in another list of powers cause I added some that weren't mentioned in the prologue, And also not everyone will probably read the prologue, and I don't feel like editing and listing all the powers again.[/QUOTE]

LOL biggrin.gif
---
Now for more edits! Woo hoo! laugh.gif

[quote]A high school girl was running to school. She was going to be late! She had slept in and needed to get to school in a hurry. Only problem is... the girl stopped and looked around. She was lost. She was in what looked like a somewhat large park, or forest clearing. She looked around to see a lot of teens and children, but there was something strange about the group; they were all Indian.(1) She could tell by their skin color, her grandma was Indian, but the girl was white. She was probably about one fourth Indian by her calculations, her mom was one half.[/quote]

"is" should probably be changed to "was" so that the sentence is written past tense like the rest of the paragraph.

The comma between "park" and "or forest clearing" doesn't *seem* necessary...

The stuff in blue... really seems out of place. The previous sentence already states the group of teens and children were all Indian. The girl suddenly musing over her own heritage doesn't really do anything to further the plot; it's just extra information floating about. Personally, I would recommend cutting that little blurb out of the plot set-up and adding it to your actual character's write-up instead.

[quote]If you are accepted you are welcomed as either a brother or sister, gain your new/true name, as well as you can now understand and speak their language, and are led to the tribe. [/quote]

I think it would flow better without the stuff in red.
It also might be a good idea to be more specific on who "their" is in this sentence, especially since "their" includes *you* now. Here's an idea:

"If you are accepted you are welcomed as either a brother or sister, gain your new/true name, understand and speak the Pohakanten language, and are led to the tribe."

[quote]It is a rather odd mix of modern technology and homes and ancient.[/quote]

Too many "ands" in my opinion. Maybe simplify it to something like, "It is a rather odd mix of old and new," or "ancient and modern lifestyle" etc. etc. The "and homes" part doesn't seem to be enough of a strong point of interest to warrant special mention in this sentence.

[s]You are taken and get a tattoo on the back of your neck that signify's what clan your in, which depends on your spirit animal.[/quote]

"your" should be "you're".
Oh, and as a sidenote, I'm a little surprised the tattoos don't magically appear after the spirit animal accepts them. tongue.gif

[quote]You are then led to the section of the tribe that your clan resides in. You find out that all the clans get along and work together, and that the only reason the clans are there is to know who has what spirit animal. Clans live close together, cause the whole tribe looks like a regular town, but they are 'divided', There is certain living places for each clan, but them being divided doesn't mean that other clans can't come over to visit. [/quote]

I like the new ideas... although its almost... repetitive. Would you be able to mesh these ideas together a bit? Um... like...

"The whole tribe looks like a regular town, but is divided into separate individual clans which all cohabit together peacefully."

Or something... *cough* That may have been a bit too wordy... dry.gif Ah, well, it's just an example, I guess...

[quote]You then learn of your powers, everybody shares certain powers such as Dream walking, visions, Telekinesis(4), Teleportation between the two realms(5), the ability to summon either your spirit animal for help, those in your clan for help, or, if your family gets accepted also(6) you can summon them for help no matter what Clan, you have minimal healing abilities, but you can have more if that's your power, as well as the ability to gain a familiar, an animal that bonds with you to help you and that you can understand as well as listens to you indefinably, that is related or not prey with you spirit animal.(7) Familiar's are stronger than their normal counterparts. They also can grow larger if the need arises, then shrinks, but this tires them out. They also tend to be faster. [/quote]

Alrighty! I would change the comma between "powers" and "everybody" into a semicolon. "You then learn of your powers," is the BIG, MEATY, MAIN OVERARCHING idea of the entire paragraph and could theoretically stand on its own as its own sentence. Everything else after that magical point is elaboration of that same GIANT idea. xd.png Woot! Isn't that awesome? ((Sorry if my explanation is cruddy. heh heh.. *shrugs*))

The POV changes when it gets to the list - the subject in question is no longer *you* but *everybody* so the word choice should reflect that. "your" changed to "their", "you" to "they" --> "the ability to summon either their spirit animal for help, those in their clan for help, or if their family gets accepted also they can summon..."

I would get rid of the stuff in red. It's not really needed and lets face it, the sentence is long enough as it is without the additional information thrown in.

The purple "you" should be "your".

"Familiar's" should be "Familiars" as its not possessive in that instance.

The stuff in orange is a cool idea. I would probably combine it a little bit more so there isn't as many commas. Maybe even rephrase it to something as simple as...

"They also can grow larger or smaller at will, but this tires them out."

It's really however you want to word it. It could be left as it is... with one minor recommended change... "shrinks" to "shrink".

[quote]You also find out though, that this place is not exactly safe and excluded. Sometimes humans that have no Shaman blood might somehow wander in, and threaten the environment, some of those that were rejected by their spirit animals may come for revenge, there are still predators that come forth to attack, and there are also more mythical animals/creatures that attack. You have to not only protect the tribe, but keep up with school work in the main realm, adapt to life in the tribe, and learn to use your powers. [/quote]

This part of the paragraph goes into a whole new idea. It might be a good idea to separate these thoughts from the "powers" paragraph and make it its own paragraph.

~-~-~-~

And.... that's it for now. Hope at least some of these ideas help - you don't have to use/follow all of them (or any of them if you really don't like any of the ideas blink.gif ) . Up to you. smile.gif

Hope you're having a wonderful day/morning/evening~
--Kigy

This post has been edited by Kigyptnee on Apr 8 2012, 04:48 AM
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